In and out
The dog searches until he finds me
upstairs, lies down with a clatter
of elbows, puts his head on my foot.
Sometimes the sound of his breathing
saves my life -- in and out, in
and out; a pause, a long sigh. . . .
Pardon
A piece of burned meat
wears my clothes, speaks
in my voice, dispatches obligations
haltingly, or not at all.
It is tired of trying
to be stouthearted, tired
beyond measure.
We move on to the monoamine
oxidase inhibitors. Day and night
I feel as if I had drunk six cups
of coffee, but the pain stops
abruptly. With the wonder
and bitterness of someone pardoned
for a crime she did not commit
I come back to marriage and friends,
to pink fringed hollyhocks; come back
to my desk, books, and chair.
Credo
Pharmaceutical wonders are at work
but I believe only in this moment
of well-being. Unholy ghost,
you are certain to come again.
Coarse, mean, you'll put your feet
on the coffee table, lean back,
and turn me into someone who can't
take the trouble to speak; someone
who can't sleep, or who does nothing
but sleep; can't read, or call
for an appointment for help.
There is nothing I can do
against your coming.
When I awake, I am still with thee.
Bottles
Elavil, Ludiomil, Doxepin,
Norpramin, Prozac, Lithium, Xanax,
Wellbutrin, Parnate, Nardil, Zoloft.
The coated ones smell sweet or have
no smell; the powdery ones smell
like the chemistry lab at school
that made me hold my breath.
Briefly it enters and briefly speaks
I am the blossom pressed in a book,
found again after two hundred years.
I am the maker, the lover, and the keeper.
When the young girl who starves
sits down to a table
she will sit beside me.
I am food on the prisoner's plate.
I am water rushing to the wellhead,
filling the pitcher until it spills.
I am the patient gardener
of the dry and weedy garden.
I am the stone step,
the latch, and the working hinge.
I am the heart contracted by joy.
the longest hair, white
before the rest.
I am there in the basket of fruit
presented to the widow.
I am the musk rose opening
unattended, the fern on the boggy summit.
I am the one whose love
overcomes you, already with you
when you think to call my name.
Otherwise
I got out of bed
on two strong legs.
It might have been
otherwise.
I ate
I ate
cereal, sweet
milk, ripe, flawless
peach.
It might
It might
have been otherwise.
I took the dog uphill
to the birch wood.
All morning I did
the work I love.
At noon I lay down
with my mate.
It might
It might
have been otherwise.
We ate dinner together
at a table with silver
candlesticks.
It might
It might
have been otherwise.
I slept in a bed
in a room with paintings
on the walls, and
planned another day
just like this day.
But one day, I know,
it will be otherwise.